Below is the expert recap of the slowest PPV in recent memory, Fastlane. All in all, this was a pretty weak PPV (excluding the Cruiserweight championship and Samoa Joe’s theme music).
Doing a pretty good job watching this drunk…
Samoa Joe v. Sami Zayn – Kicking off the PPV with Joe v. Zayn. Crowd is pretty into it…proving people from Milwaukee are not completely brain dead like their mid-western neighbors in Green Bay. Joe’s agility for a big dude is always surprising. Would love to see what him and KO could do. Joe’s music is super maj. Would love for this to play when I walk into the office every day. Let’s people know that I am here to fuck shit up.
Bayley Promo – Whats the best way to beef up a Bayley promo? Throw Nia Jax into the mix.
Enzo/Cass v. Anderson/Gallows (C) – This match is shaping up like every other Enzo/Cass match, Enzo getting worked for the first 5 minutes, just so Big Cass can come in and get his shit. This does nothing for either team, neuters a great team like Gallows/Anderson with an amazing skill set and makes Enzo/Cass look one dimensional. Ending with the save also makes Gallows/Anderson look weak. Can’t wait to see the champs job tomorrow night to Roman Reigns.
Nia Jax v. Sasha Banks – I watched the cold open from SNL last night instead. I was not disappointed in my choice.
Jinder Mahal v. Cesaro – I don’t understand why this match is happening, but if anyone can carry a match it’s my boy Cesaro. As this match went on, I am glad that it did happen, these are two good workers who can put on a solid match. Loosing the crowd though, because of lack of back story.
Rusev v. Big Show – Nice to see Big Show lasting in matches these days. Getting trim has helped the big guy. Again, not sure why this match is happening but its telling a good story. Show selling the knee injury, Rusev with the machca kicks? I am interested. But in classic WWE fashion, Rusev fucking jobs out to a sure-bet-hall-of-famer in the twilight of his career who should be putting young talent over not beating them on PPVs. Just love the way they are burying the Rusev character. ROH is hiring Rusev.
Neville (C) v. Jack Gallagher – Gonna go out there and say this was the match of the night (and this shit isn’t over yet). They hit all the big spots. Neville brought out the Red Arrow. Everything was solid.
New Day Segment – I believe the tides are turning on the New Day. The twitterspehere does not like the product they are putting out these days. Probably because there is no foil to their shenanigans.
Roman Reigns v. Braun Strowman – This was a good match. I got what I wanted out of it, but fuck. Seriously? I can’t believe Reigns got a clean win over Strowman. It makes Strowman look bad, but I guess whatever we can do to make Roman look like the greatest fucking thing since ’72 Dolphins we should do. I thought this was going to be a schmohz. It made the most sense to help both character’s development. Instead Vince mortgages a legitimate monster in Braun to help get Reigns over again. Fuck it. Who cares?
UPDATE: I am sober now. Fuck.
Charlotte v. Bayley (C) – Seeing some nice spots here. That hurricanrana from the apron to the mat outside? Well done team. The one thing I will say about this rivalry is that Bayley and Charlotte make sense physically. Sasha beating Charlotte is just not believable to me. Bayley misses a spot trying to use the bottom rope. This was a strong match though overall. Could have done without the Sasha interference at the end, but surprise ending with Charlotte’s PPV streak ending. Really not a great look for the Charlotte character to loose here. Gonna make the Mania win that much sweater for her.
Goldberg v. Kevin Owens (C) – KO starts out strong calling Goldberg a “piece of shit.” Kevin Owens false starts are really helping me process the shitiness of this PPV. Although, KO can do no wrong. Of course Y2J shows up and of course Goldberg squashes KO, because WWE doesn’t give a shit. They know they can shit all over the smart marks and troll us. And just like every fucking time I bend over and take it right up the tailpipe. Should I piss and moan about how Goldberg hasn’t worked a match in like 10 years and what makes me think he can last at Wrestlemania? Should I expound on the fact that Lesner and Goldberg do not need a title to sell the main event? Nah. This was dumb. I am not wasting any more time on this.